Quotes from Dave Barry

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of them are lost.

Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the patty group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks, and McNuggets- foods that have had all of their organs safely removed.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

The problem with winter sports is that, follow me closely here, they generally take place in winter.

If you were to open up a baby's head -- and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should -- you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.

Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.

Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all.

I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits.

Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.

For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby's room should be in Peru.

This book is dedicated to Wilbur and Orville Wright, without whom air sickness would still be just a dream.

Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship.

She goes to Frederick's of Hollywood at the mall and purchases an explicit lingerie outfit so sheer that you could read an appliance warranty through it in an unlit closet.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they also like to eat snails.

We decide to start with the best-known sight of all, the one that, more than any other, exemplifies what the Big Apple is all about: the Islip Garbage Barge.

England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.