Quotes from Dave Barry

Today, you're 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

The Internet "browser"... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is currently busy and you should try again later.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

People in the computer industry use the term 'user,' which to them means 'idiot.'

The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other.

Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.

RAM: This gives guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest memory. That's important, because the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages.

Megahertz: This is really, really big hertz.

Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

He couldn't get into Harvard even if he had the dean's wife at gunpoint.

And that's the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

There was nowhere to sit except the bunk, which was covered with rotting food, and a wooden stool, upon which sat a large fur-covered lump—an old cheese, perhaps, or a dead cat.

Land!" shouted Thomas. "Is there food?" asked Tubby Ted.