Quotes from Dave Barry

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Line printer paper is strongest at the perforations.

A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.

Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished?

Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.

Sign outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.

Too many rocks in the mountains.

Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hotlines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly.

Murphy's golden rule: Whoever has the gold, makes the rules.

The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.

Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.

Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

Whatever the needs of the public are, the government responds to those needs by getting larger.