Quotes from Dave Barry

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it's not easy.

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

Unlike cats dogs never scratch you when you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they did wrong.

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter.

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

A secret society within a secret society.

I always assumed that at some point I would have to quit making jokes, get a real job and do something meaningful and productive that would actually benefit society. Fortunately this never happened.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.