Quotes from Dave Barry

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life.

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you.

You and Teacher," said Molly. "Yes," said Peter. "She's very clever. You'll like her." "I'm sure," said Molly.

When I was a kid, I thought history was the most boring subject of all. I shouldn't blame my teachers; I should blame me, but I'll blame them.

Hardware: where the people in your company's software section will tell you the problem is. Software: where the people in your company's hardware section will tell you the problem is.

What was life like in the colonies? Probably the best word to describe it would be "colonial".

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.

I have never had a point in my life to make. I'm just trying to entertain the reader.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

Microsoft has a new version out, Windows XP, which according to everybody is the 'most reliable Windows ever.' To me, this is like saying that asparagus is 'the most articulate vegetable ever.'

Database: the information you lose when your memory crashes.

I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn.

Long, long ago, before eruptions were invented, the molten lava had to be carried down the mountainside, bucket by bucket, and poured over the sleeping villagers. This took time.

It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta

Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.