Quotes from Dave Barry

I'm not sure you can count as history, was Keith Richards's "Life," which he so modestly titled it. I did find it a fascinating book. Keith's a pretty honest fellow.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Computers are getting smarter all the time. Scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (And by 'they', I mean 'computers'. I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

Never try to put all the chemicals in the entire world in your body at the same time.

There's a test they can do to determine a baby's gender ahead of time; I think they insert a tiny photo of Leonardo DiCaprio into the uterus, and if the baby punches it, it's a boy.

I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere; I sometimes wonder why they bother to have wheels on their motorcycles.

It's very slow for me to create humor. It takes me a long time to write a humor piece. It takes days.

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing hilariously bad suits. Their leader was Josef Stalin (Russian for "Joey Bananas")

The way this country deals with drugs is just not funny. What a waste of everyone's time and effort. What a waste of a lot of people's lives.

As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do.

Black Stache had no love for the Queen, no love for women of any sort, except for his ma. He had a real soft spot for his ma, and was truly sorry for the time he'd marooned her.

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

Love and pregnancy and riding on a camel cannot be hid

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this the hard way.

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

Never trust anything you read in a travel article.

The major advantage of domestic travel is that, with a few exceptions such as Miami, most domestic locations are conveniently situated right here in the United States.

Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash.

Be advised that there is no parking in Europe.