Quotes from Dave Barry

My son, Rob....said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."

The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form.

You're only young once, but you can always be immature.

I would say that the single most important conclusion I reached, after traveling through Japan, as well as countless hours reading, studying, and analyzing this fascinating culture, is that you should always tighten the cap on the shampoo bottle before you put it in your suitcase.

Passing the SAT: My personal theory is that it has to do with how much money you send them in the mail. I think the amounts they tell you to send are actually just suggested minimum donations - if you get my drift.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Apparently, he was not the sharpest quill on the porcupine, if you get my drift.

We will then hear from the founder of the Mayo Clinic, . . . Dr. Ted Clinic.

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.

What's happened to marriage? The wedding-industrial complex. Brides get swept up in this world of obsession - it has to be your perfect day.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

I'm a big believer in anesthesia. I think it should be used for every medical procedure, indlucing routine physicals.

Each year, millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities.

I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.

The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!"

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

So the bottom line is that home centers are even worse than lumberyards as a source for lumber. The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.

I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.

There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.