Quotes from Dave Barry

Imagine what will happen to this nation if large numbers of American women start using the Wonderbra. It will be catastrophic. The male half of the population will be nothing but mindless drooling Zombies of Lust. Granted, this is also true now, but it will be even worse.

On Valentine's Day, millions of men give millions of women flowers, cards and candy as a heartfelt expression of the emotion that also motivates men to observe anniversaries and birthdays-fear.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

The story of the eighties will be the story of the Reagan administration and the many men and women who served in it, some of whom are already out on parole.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons. Oh, I know you've seen advertisements for lawn products that are supposed to kill crabgrass, but don't believe them. Crabgrass thrives on these products.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.

If you tell most people what libertarians think, they immediately assume that you cannot mean it all the way, that you're really just taking a position for argument's sake.

Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. Hey, YOU! are the sea's exact words. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.