Quotes from Dave Barry

If you're like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, probably after about four margaritas, to have children. This was inevitable. Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can using only their hands and feet make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there,you'd be lost at sea now,wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me you're all standing on land. (Pirates, its a good thing they're idiots)

He could even think about how fast he was thinking about things.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

He was distracted by a giggle, and turned to see a rare sight: a girl.

Sir," James asked, "what are we going to do?" "We're going to look for water," said Alf. "And food?" said Tubby Ted. "Water first," said Alf. "We can go days without food." "We can what?" Tubby Ted shouted.

Seriously? You won't help me?" "Help yourself get killed? No, I won't.

Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home.

You might have mentioned this to me Molly," said Leonard. "The fact that there are hostile natives on the island." "I forgot," said Molly. "You forgot?" said Leonard. "There's been a lot happening," said Molly.

A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.

His body rigid with terror as he waited for the savages to something horrible to him—bash his head with clubs, or stab him with spears, or… …or tap him on the shoulder.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.

We constantly see surveys that reveal this ignorance, especially among our high school students,78 percent of whom, in a recent nationwide multiple-choice test, identified Abraham Lincoln as 'a kind of lobster.' That's right: more than three quarters of our nation's youth could not correctly identify the man who invented the telephone.

The Mollusks—generous hosts when they weren't trying to kill you.

A secret society within a secret society.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious heroin addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles.

We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how

Why don't you lift the end?" said Alf. "It's me back, Alf," complained Mack. "You know how it troubles me." "No more than mine troubles me," said Alf. "But I said it first," said Mack.

When the cow jerks away, it'll yank the door open." "But what's going to make the cow jerk away?" asked Little Richard. "You're going to milk it," said Slank. "But I don't know how to milk a cow!" said Little Richard. "Exactly.

Headbangers' are people who like heavy-metal music, which is performed by skinny men with huge hair who stomp around the stage, striking their instruments and shrieking angrily, apparently because somebody has stolen all their shirts.