Quotes from Dave Barry

A short distance away is the Tidal Basin, ringed by cherry trees that every year produce flowers, an event to which Washingtonians react as though it were the Second Coming of Christ.

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.

Land!" shouted Thomas. "Is there food?" asked Tubby Ted.

Leonard Aster thanked Fighting Prawn and the Mollusk tribe for their hospitality. "You mean," said Fighting Prawn, "for not killing you?" "Yes," said Leonard. "It was very gracious of you." "Do you," said Leonard, "I mean, does you tribe, shake hands?" "No," said Fighting Prawn. "We kiss on the lips." "Oh," said Leonard, looking very alarmed.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals like Hydrogen and Oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

The voice belonged to Mr. Pzyrbovich, an algebra teacher who was always called Mr. P, for obvious reasons. He has a heavy accent, which a lot of kids said made him hard to understand, although to be fair some of these kids would have never understood algebra anyway.

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.

Someone was tapping on the window.

nobody loves you the way your dog loves you. When you're with your dog, you may mentally be elsewhere, but your dog is not; your dog is always right there with you. When you're gone, your dog is waiting for you to come back, so it can be with you again. Because being with you makes your dog happier than anything else.

Cyrus Pembridge, the Never Land's captain, was widely regarded as the most incompetent man to comman a ship since the formation of water. "Who in the name of common sense would put to sea on that ship with that man in charge?" wondered Mack. "Well," Alf answered, "we are." "True," Mack said.

Stache's attack was perfectly timed, thanks to his veteran-pirate grasp tactics—and a big piece if luck.

Kakimi chertyami oni viigrali holodnuyu voinu? This translates roughly to: How the hell did these people win the Cold War?

Remember that being offended is not the same thing as being right.

There was nowhere to sit except the bunk, which was covered with rotting food, and a wooden stool, upon which sat a large fur-covered lump—an old cheese, perhaps, or a dead cat.

You and Teacher," said Molly. "Yes," said Peter. "She's very clever. You'll like her." "I'm sure," said Molly.

She wanted to cry, but she did not want Peter to see her cry, and she especially did not want Teacher, with her flowing hair, to see her cry.

The bad news was that the yard contained a dog. A very, very large dog, wide and hairy, like a cross between a rottweiler and a Goodyear blimp.

Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people everywhere – when you strip away their superficial differences – are crazy.

The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it's not easy.

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.

The United States tried, by depressing the clutch of diplomacy and downshifting the gearshift lever of rhetoric, to remain neutral, but it became increasingly obvious that the nation was going to get into a war, especially since it was almost 1812.

Our chief marketable skill, coming out of college, is the ability to write authoritatively about things we don't necessarily understand.

If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things about them: 1. They all had editors. 2. They are all dead. Thus we can draw the scientific conclusion that editors are fatal.

That is the Wasp, yes. But it was captured by Black Stache, and he's coming for this ship now." "And how do you know that?" asked Slank. "Did a seagull tell you?" This brought chuckles from the crew. Something like that, thought Peter.