Quotes from Dave Barry

2. The instant the doors open, you want to push forward as hard as possible, in an effort to get onto the train without letting anybody off. This is very important. If anybody does get off, it is legal to tackle him and drag him back on.

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withstand tremendous boredom

What would happen is that every idiot in this town who owns a gun, which is basically every idiot in this town, would grab his gun, jump into his car, or somebody else's car, and lay rubber for I-95. Inside of ten minutes the city is gridlocked, and what happens next makes IwoJima look like a maypole dance. This whole town turns into the end of a Stephen King novel.

Which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

No man had ever knocked little Richard down. But of course Ammm was not a man.

Never again will I underestimate the persuasive power of a woman with legal training and big tits.

Smee you, idjit!

Regular adult Americans are no more capable of doing math than they are of photosynthesis.

My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you're supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over a period of many years. This is why your parents started to get so stupid just at the time in your life when you were getting really smart.

maybe somebody finally shot the dog.

The reason is that you eat too many foods that are high in calories, which are little units that measure how good a particular food tastes. Fudge, for example, has a great many calories, whereas celery, which is not really a food at all but a member of the plywood family, provided by Mother Nature so that mankind would have a way to get onion dip into his mouth at parties, has none.

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

Think, for a moment, of the countless happy childhood hours you spent with this amazing device: Drawing perfect horizontals, drawing perfect verticals, drawing really spastic diagonals, trying to scrape away the silver powder from the window so you could look inside.

Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

No reason to join a fight until you know what side you're on.

In my experience, any trend that reaches the point where large organizations are inflicting it on their personnel has a high statistical probability of being stupid.

You would think that, by sheer chance, there would come a time when you daughter's two dances would be close together, ideally near the beginning. But the dance studio makes sure this never happens, using the same computer scheduling program that the cable-TV company uses to make sure that the technician, for whom you have been waiting eleven hours, rings your doorbell only when you have just commenced pooping.

In the end, all that really matters—all you really have—is the people you love. Not your job, not your career, not your awards, not your money, not your stuff. Just your people.

Boy is this journey ever long. Also arduous.

Molly happy see Ammm," she said. The Porpoise language has 237 words that mean "happy," and Molly had actually chosen the one denoting the happiness derived from having one's belly tickled by seaweed.

Very Important: During this sensitive postpartum time, you must be very careful not to say anything negative about your wife's appearance. On the other hand, you must not say anything positive about your wife's appearance, because she'll know you're lying. And whatever you do, do NOT give her the impression that you're deliberately avoiding talking about her appearance. This might be a good time to enlist in the navy.

People who insist on being addressed as "doctor" because they have Ph.D.'s, as if these degrees represent an important achievement, rather than a reluctance to leave college;

Little Richard was drenched in milk, and the cow was none too happy. But the iron brig door hung open. Good job, said Slank. Next time, you milk the cow, said Little Richard.

Almost half of the people over 40 believe they look younger than they are. This says something important about older Americans. We have terrible eyesight.