Quotes from Dave Barry

The Spanish government, having run completely out of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China, and is now separated from France only by traffic cones.

I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about.

When to arrive at the airport?: You should be at the airport already.

San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions.

In foreign countries such as Italy, the government puts strict-looking speed limit signs everywhere, but nobody ever sees them because light does not travel fast enough to catch the Italian drivers.

Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you.

Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.

Your friends love you anyway.

You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings - even the truth.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

But the feeling I have, you know, is that I'll never come close to reading all, or even a thousandth- a billionth- of the books I'd probably love if I ever got to them.

I've never been struck by lightning as far as I know, so the Higher Power is treating me as well as even those people who love him very much.

Most recently I read Michael Lewis "Boomerang." The other guy I love is Bill Bryson.

Dogs love to go for rides. A dog will happily get into any vehicle going anywhere.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

Fortunately the boat we rented had a motor in it You will definitely want this feature on your sailboat too, because if you put up the sails, the boat tips way over, and you could spill your beer.

The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service.

What I like best about the telephone is that it keeps you in touch with people, particularly people who want to sell you magazine subscriptions in the middle of the night.

The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.

To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.

She wanted to cry, but she did not want Peter to see her cry, and she especially did not want Teacher, with her flowing hair, to see her cry.