Quotes from Dorothy Parker

Résumé Razors pain you, Rivers are damp, Acids stain you, And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful, Nooses give, Gas smells awful. You might as well live.

In youth, it was a way I had, To do my best to please. And change, with every passing lad To suit his theories. But now I know the things I know And do the things I do, And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you.

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

By the time you swear you're his, Shivering and sighing. And he vows his passion is, Infinite, undying. Lady make note of this -- One of you is lying.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I like to have a martini, Two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Tell him I was too fucking busy-- or vice versa.

Inventory: "Four be the things I am wiser to know: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. Four be the things I'd been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.

What fresh hell is this?

They sicken of the calm who know the storm.

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

If I didn't care for fun and such, I'd probably amount to much. But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn.

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." [ Women Know Everything! ]

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

And if my heart be scarred and burned, The safer, I, for all I learned.

She was pleased to have him come and never sorry to see him go.

If wild my breast and sore my pride, I bask in dreams of suicide, If cool my heart and high my head I think 'How lucky are the dead.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Constant use had not worn ragged the fabric of their friendship.