Quotes from Spike Milligan

I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.

My father was a soldier, which meant that he was a warrior, which meant that he was important. My mother rode a horse and sang in the Governor-General's band, so that made her important as well.

We reach a secondary road and - here comes the bonus - we pass the Temple of Neptune and Cerene, at Paestum, both looking beautiful in the sunlight. Strung from the Doric columns are lines of soldiers' washing. At last they had been put to practical use. If only the ancient Greeks had known.

Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse

God made nightButMan made darkness.

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

As I kept having episodes of depression, I realized that it was not a one-off: that I had, well, not a disease, really - more an illness.

My father being a soldier, every time I saw soldiers marching - 'Well,' I thought, 'my father's that,' and these soldiers were always looking magnificent. And I thought they were powerful; they were all-powerful. I knew that they were an elite in India.

Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.

I remember lying out in my bed and looking at the vast, quiet sky. Right up above my head, there were three stars in a row, and I remember thinking, 'Well, I'll have those three stars all my life, and wherever I am, they will be. They are my stars, and they belong to me.'

Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.

My parents always threw everything out, gave everything away. I'm surprised they never threw me away. That's why I've always kept my children's things. My parents had no feelings for belongings.

I can't stand being late. I try to be professional. I try not to let people down. But people let me down. That's why I don't rely on anyone to call me. That's why I have clocks as well as people. I have to be able to call myself; it's the only way to be sure.

When I get depressed, I try to get something for the terrible sadness that comes over me and create something in terms of poetry.

You couldn't enclose people in institutions or hospitals or almshouses in the way the Victorians managed to do. India was too big. Seeing the suffering people was terrible, but I think I was more distraught at the needless cruelty to so many animals.

I am afraid that, like Timon of Athens, I just cannot let go of my friendships.

The experience of being in the Army changed my whole life; I never believed that an organization such as ours could ever go to war, leave alone win it. It was, as Yeats remarked of the Easter Rising, 'A terrible beauty.'

The lunacy continues and has every chance of becoming a way of life unless we stop it soon. Men are getting so used to wars that the psychiatric wing of the RAMC are planning how to break the news to the men when the war is over.

Thankfully, we didn't stop at Malta. I think Malta was thankful, too.