Quotes from Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

How to make God laugh. Tell him your future plans.

The worst that you can say about him (God) is that basically he's an underachiever.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

Sex relieves tension - love causes it.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.