Quotes from George Burns

When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.

The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides.

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don't know what's out there, but I want to make sure it's in my key.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

I know that show business is my life. It always was and it always will be. Nothing holds my interest like show business, nothing excites me more. There's nothing I think or talk about as much. I would hate to have to live without show business. When I'm working, I'm happy.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them: a paternity suit.

Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65 I still had pimples.

I'd rather be a failure at something I enjoy than a success at something I hate.

It's nice to be here. When you're 99 years old, it's nice to be anywhere.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.