Quotes from George Burns

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

The key to success is sincerity. If you can fake that you've got it made.

The Pope's entrance was stunning. Maybe the Catholics know about miracles, and maybe they know about saints, but they've never received enough credit for what they know about show business.

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

I can remember when the air was clean and the sex was dirty." -George Burns

There isn't a thing I can't do now that I didn't do when I was twenty-one...which gives you an idea of how pathetic I was when I was twenty-one. (That's a lie, but I might as well tell you something right here at the beginning of the book. Anytime I can get a laugh I'm not going to let the truth interfere with it.)

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

There has been foolish talk about audiences having an average twelve-year-old mind: it just isn't true. They are older than anybody, and wiser.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Sincerity - if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

I'd rather be a failure at something I enjoy than a success at something I hate.

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.