Quotes from George Burns

I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.

By [age] 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.

Its hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.

How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.

Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.