Quotes from Robert Orben

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

Live your life so that if someone says 'Be yourself' it's good advice.

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.

I value people with a conscience. It's like a beeper from God.

I feel that if God had really wanted us to have enough oil, he would never have given us a Department of Energy.

Happiness is contagious. Be a carrier!!

Have you noticed when you go on a diet the first thing you lose is your temper.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American tourists?

"Wait'll next year!" is the favorite cry of baseball fans football fans hockey fans and gardeners.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It's a bonding influence.

Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.

It's mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You're not paying me for a joke, You're paying me for the right joke.

What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?

I don't see why religion and science can't get along. What's wrong with counting our blessings with a computer?

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.