Quotes from Robert Orben

I don't see why religion and science can't cooperate. What's wrong with using a computer to count our blessings?

Planned obsolescence isn't a new idea - God always used it with people.

Sociologists say that going to the movies is a bonding experience. It probably has to do with the way you feet stick to the floor.

We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.

I don't want to say anything about my kids . . . but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!

Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave -- but there's no need to be in the passing lane.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!