Quotes from Robert Orben

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

New Yorkers are so impersonal if it wasn't for muggings there wouldn't be any contact at all!

Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer.

What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.

Cheap? If he was at the Last Supper, he would have asked for separate checks!

A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

I want to thank and pay tribute to all of our volunteers — those dedicated people who believe in all work and no pay.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

Here's to all volunteers, those dedicated people who believe in all work and no pay.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.

It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.

To reduce stress, avoid excitement. Spend more time with your spouse.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.