Quotes from Robert Orben

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.

The best birthdays of all are those that havent arrived yet.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Confidence is like going after Moby Dick with a rowboat, a harpoon and a jar of tartar sauce.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave–but there's no need to be in the passing lane.

I'm at that age where if you flattened out all the wrinkles I'd be seven feet tall.

Here's to all volunteers, those dedicated people who believe in all work and no pay.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

If you can laugh together, you can work together.

Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Do your kids a favor — don't have any.

Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative fight, flee - or laugh.