Quotes from Eoin Colfer

Ma was using her for-company voice. Sweet on the outside but with an underlying death threat.

I am so sick of you smart kids. Why can't you just boost cars or steal stuff like normal kids?' 'We do steal stuff. Just bigger stuff.

This is the only way. I will not allow humans or fairies to die when I might have prevented it." Butler would not give up. "Listen to yourself. You sound like a... like a good guy! There's nothing in this for you.

Well, young man, have you found anyone worthy of your respect? Artemis smiled back. Yes, he said. I believe I have.

It would take less than a second for you to die. But that's quite long enough to be in mortal agony, don't you think?

I have it on very good authority that I have a lovely pee-pee, so lay off.

How did that go?' he asked. 'Your first lengthy conversation with a girl your own age?' 'Fabulous,' said Artemis, voice dripping with sarcasm. 'We're planning a June wedding.

He's a gem, sir. I wish I had one just like him. He rattled the ring of keys on Artemis's belt. And what are these? Artemis scratched his head. Uh, keys?

This is what love does, he realized, and in that moment he understood why Artemis had kidnapped a fairy to get the money to find his father. Love makes everything else seem inconsequential

It looks like you've found an intellectual equal, Mulch, said Holly. It's a pity he isn't a girl; then you could marry him. Mulch imitated shock. Romance outside your species. Now THAT's disgusting. What kind of weirdo would kiss someone when they weren't even part of the same species?

Victor Vigny: A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon. Conor Broekhart: Which resembles a giant banana.

In spite of what youngsters think, parents do not get a sneaky thrill out of punishing their children.

Time to do what he did best - plot dastardly acts.

The two of them went down in a heap, with not even a turkey to break their fall.

In comic books, people with gifts became superheroes; in real life they became outcasts.

I waved my hand in front of my face, obi-wan style. I am not here. Niall's mucas glands kicked into overdrive. Eoin's dead! And his ghost is standing right there on the grass! Donal let out a long suffering sigh. Eoin is being a writer. Niall calmed down, becuase everyone knows writers are weird and are always doing stupid thingss.

All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket.

Artemis: How long will it take you to prepare the time spell? N1 chewed his knuckle: About as long as it takes you to take your clothes off. Aaarrk, Artemis half choked.

I did what all good Iriah dads do when faced with a worthy adversary..I said Ask your mother!!

I'm on my feet, pacing around the room, punching a fist into my palm, which I stop doing when I realise how drama queen it feels.

It's a game box. They were invented so teenagers wouldn't have to talk to grownups.

The others ignored him, busy doing what men generally do in dangerous times: putting on their trousers.

Meg and Belch only had eyes for each other. Not in the usual romantic sense.

The trick to negotiation was to hold all the cards going in and, even if you didn't, to try to look as though you did.