Quotes from Lois Greiman

Let us talk about oxymoron, common sense, for instance.

If at 1st you don't succeed, stretch out on your La-Z-Boy with a six-pack and a porn flick. Y' still won't succeed, but you sure as hell won't give a shift.

If you don't scare the neighbors while copulating, I'm afraid you're doing something terribly wrong.

Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance if your guests happen to be cannibals, and you, the unsuspecting entree.

Apparently it takes, like, forty-seven muscles to frown. Flippin' the bird' s a hell of a lot easier.

Women have to be in the mood for sex. Men have to be breathing.

Matrimony and firefighting. They ain't for cowards.

If you don't like your teeth; keep your mouth shut.

Of course I believe in hell. I have three brothers.

Dating--the socially accepted alternative to the rack.

In my opinion, kissing a lady's hand is a fine tradition. After all, a man must start somewhere.

Some people say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. In actuality, you have to make an incision through his skin, both dermis and epidermis, then carefully sever and separate the sternum. Only upon viewing the exposed thoracic cavity can you reach the heart--if indeed the male of the species actually possesses such an organ.

I don't need no PMS. I can bitch under my own steam.

He's an undersized pissant with delusions of adequacy.

You're just so lucky blood's so hard to get out of the carpet.

You really don't know a person until you spend some time in their panties.

Old-age sucks, but the alternative doesn't look that great, either.

He who laughs loudest has a high probability of being extremely inebriated.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but tequila makes it so she doesn't give a shit if she's fond of you are not

If it looks like a cat, walks like a cat, and has whiskers like a cat, it's probably a damn cat. But if it eats your groceries, messes up your kitchen, and makes you want to rip out your hair by the roots, you either married it or gave birth to it

Men, they have the two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, you fix him the burrito. —Rosita Rivera, who was well acquainted with politicians and men

Every morning I read the obituaries. If it ain't there I make myself a cup of tea and carry on like I have the past century or so.

I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister.

It ate a party till someone ends up naked.