Quotes from Lois Greiman

Excrement happens.

There is no feature as attractive as a well exercised intellect.

Friends disregard your failures and endure your successes.

It'd hardly be worth having a brother at all, if you couldn't smack him in the head every once in a while.

She may be an old flame, but she still smokin'.

You're gonna sit down. You're gonna shut up. And by the grace of God Almighty, I ain't gonna kill you.

In 50 years it won't matter if he's handsome, ugly, or dumb as a post, just try to find someone who don't make you want to shove a pitchfork up his nose.

In this town, a successful marriage is one that lasts longer than ice.

In the movie business, the ones we call Lucky are usually those idiots who are just too damn stubborn to take no for an answer. Come to think of it, the movie business is kind of like life.

There isn't much a pan of warm Brownies and a glass of milk will fix. In less it's low grain prices. Or poverty. Or the national debt. I guess there are a few things, but nothing you have to worry about right this minute.

Trust is important to any relationship… and easier to come by if you get a picture of a guy's wife buck naked.

Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head.

You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing.

Life's funny. Sometimes it's your oyster, and sometimes you're it's bitch-slapped man-whore.

I'd trade every last one of you for a moment's peace and a dog that didn't P on the carpet

In the beginning God made the seas, the mountains, the heavens, and buffalo knees. He made lilies, and dew drops, and snail shells, and roses, and dippers, and yappers, and snappers, and noses.

He looked from His heavens and saw it was good, the toes and the crows all looked like they should. The bunny was quick, the finch bright as a daisy, the owl flew at night, and the tortoise was lazy.

A guy's got to get a license to drive a Geo, but any doofus with a few good swimmers can be a father.