Quotes from Jeff Strand

Stanley and Martin sat in the interrogation room across from Veronica and a lawyer named Bloodsucking Bastard.

Sometimes to deal with your problems you have to let off a little steam.

Marietta Garbonzo had found me through the ad I placed in the Chicago phone book. The ad used the expensive magnifying glass logo, along with the tagline, Harry McGlade Investigators: We'll Do Whatever it Takes. It brought in more customers than my last tagline: No Job Too Small, No Fee Too High, or the one prior to that, We'll Investigate Your Privates.

Grounding you obviously don't work. Neither does taking away your allowance. I guess the only punishment that'll teach you a good enough lesson is if you sleep with Gramma's corpse tonight.

You're a big snorty pig." Theresa made some amazingly skillful snorting sounds at him. Kyle began making snorting sounds back. It was a snorting extravaganza the likes of which I'd never heard.

Stanley felt at least thirty-five percent less sane as he walked out of his psychological examination, but he was pretty sure they'd stamp his file "Not a Whacko."

Even if you're on a professional assignment, it's difficult to ignore the sounds of a couple going at it like wild animals. I

After all I'd been through, I didn't need to be wiping other people's eyeballs off my cheek.

If you purposely get other people involved that you're not supposed to, that'll cost you Gary's life, too. Understand?

Webster Street is one of the nicer areas in Chamber, which is one of the nicer towns in Florida. It has about thirty-five thousand people, a couple of decent movie theatres, a bookstore where the owner calls me whenever a new Flip the Weasel cartoon collection comes out, nice schools, nice parks, nice restaurants, and a guy who mutters memorable television quotes while wandering the streets giving the finger to unsuspecting motorists. If you're ever looking to relocate, you could do much worse.

I'm not going to let Cousin Blake ruin my life. I'm not going to let Cousin Blake ruin my life. I'm not going to let Cousin Blake ruin my life. I'm not going to let Cousin Blake ruin my life. I'm not going to let Cousin Blake ruin my life.

Giving your mother a good night kiss is totally punk rock, and don't you forget it!)

How about we meet tomorrow at Von's Gym, 6 A.M.?" I'd heard rumors that such an hour of the morning existed, but thus far it had been unconfirmed.

I sat in our bedroom reading a horror novel called Whose Heart is in My Popcorn? Characterization was a bit thin, but boy could that woman write dismemberments.

He was on whatever combination of drugs makes you constantly lick your lips and ignore stoplights.

Like any freaked-out person, I needed answers. So I searched Google, using the terms "post dramatic stress disorder sex with corpses and giant testicles" which linked me to a bunch of unhelpful porn sites.

WILDERNESS SURVIVAL TIP! Ninety-seven percent of our nation's ponds are filled to the top with piranha, which can skeletonize a cow in seconds. If you value your cow, don't shove it into a pond.

Oh, well," the chief of police would say, "that's what you get for ignoring a sign written in blood.

Grandpa Zachary had died.

If you really want to shoot me, go ahead, but shooting your driver is one of the stupidest possible ways anybody could ever die.

Oh, how he hated that werewolf. Despised him. Loathed him. Abhorred him. He could take every synonym in the thesaurus, plus all of their foreign language equivalents, including dead languages that only a couple of scholars in the world still knew how to translate, and it wouldn't come close to expressing just how deeply he hated that man-beast.

Now, this is going to hurt just a little bit, sort of like having your flesh shredded with a cheese grater from the inside and then microwaved. But don't worry, it's not addictive.

I threw up twice more during the process, turning away so that I wouldn't vomit right on him, a courtesy I couldn't quite explain.

I'd developed such an unbearably bad headache that I now had an escape plan. I'd simply wait to my head to explode, and then use the distraction to flee.