Quotes from Jeff Strand

Say what?" I demanded. "Are you threatening me?

How are your dead bones doing today?" "They've been deader." "Good, good, good. That's good. Have a seat on that ice-cold stool and we'll look you over, okay?

The kitchen lights came on, revealing two goons behind the bald guy. Younger guys who were also dressed entirely in black. The one on the left had one of those ridiculous curved collectors' knives, the kind they sell on the Home Shopping Network that looked like they're used to skin buffalo. Glinting in the overhead florescence, it didn't look ridiculous at all. His partner had opted for the maniac implement de jour—a sixteen inch chainsaw.

Let's start by checking your pulse," said Dr. Arnzin, wrapping the cuff of the blood pressure monitor around Stanley's arm and inflating it. He glanced at the readout and nodded. "No pulse. Good.

I apologize from distracting you from reading my books.

He waited for the spider to succumb to nature's plan and go underneath the surface again. It didn't. It kept swimming toward them. Another spider leapt into the pool. And then another. "Nope," said Jaunty. "Nope, nope, nope! I'm not okay with this!

What a jerk. How dare he tell Stanley that he was wasting the gift? Famous for being famous. Yeah, right. He was the first human being ever brought back to life by scientific means. Famous for being famous. Jesus Christ.

through an actual haunted forest! Just hope that your tram doesn't break down, because this forest is PACKED with monsters... Draculas (with JA Konrath, Blake Crouch, and F. Paul Wilson). An outbreak of feral vampires in a secluded hospital. This one isn't much like Twilight. For information on all of these books, visit Jeff Strand's more-or-less official

I don't have any blood?" "Not a drop. It's being stored in jars in a freezer somewhere in the facility. Do you want to see it?

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I found myself driving along a desolate back road with a dead body in the trunk.

Don't lick me, you asshole!" he said, trying to pull his arm free. Crabs licked George's forehead

I pulled into the parking lot, went inside, turned down a free sample of nasty-looking Bourbon chicken from a vendor in the food court, and proceeded to Gamer's Castle. "Hi," said the gawky teenager behind the counter. I nodded and briefly looked through the racks of role-playing game merchandise. There was Dungeons and Dragons stuff out the wazoo, and even kits for hosting your own murder mystery parties, should I ever grow weary of having my murder mystery needs satisfied by real life.

Which ones are silver?" "The ones colored silver." As a rule, George didn't hit old ladies, though it was a rule for which he was momentarily inclined to try to find a loophole.

The problem with having so many naked women trying to hump me senseless was… Actually, there was no problem with it at all.

Do you want to embrace eternal life, or do you want to be like those whiny vampires?

Every day's a sunshiny day when you don't have maggots and spiders eating your guts.

Seriously, though, do you want a beef stick if they have them?

Malcolm gaped at me as if a giant erect penis had suddenly sprouted from my forehead. "I know, it's a lot to take in," I said.

Now, if you don't mind, we're going to get some hair samples, tissue samples, saliva samples, fingernail samples, urine samples, and stool samples." "Would you like a booger, too?" "Actually, yes, let's get a mucus sample while we're at it.

Helen?" I asked. "Andrew! Are you okay? What happened?" "Nothing, this whole thing was just a big misunderstanding. They actually wanted to try to interest us in a multi-level marketing scheme, but they got mixed up and tried to kill us instead.

It doesn't matter how much evidence you have that somebody is sadistic, evil, and criminally insane; when you hear a plan like that, the only possible response is to stare at them in a state of absolute bewilderment.

I want you to kill the man that my husband hired to kill the man that I hired to kill my husband.

If you leave it in uncooked rice for a couple of days, the rice will absorb the liquid," Roger said. "That's how I fixed my iPhone after I dropped it in the toilet.

Stanley flipped up the toilet lid and took a long piss, terrified that he might spring a leak and hit himself in the eye.