Quotes from Jeff Strand

What was he supposed to do besides break the living room window? Stand outside whacking off while she grabbed a cell phone and called for help?

There was no law that said both your eyes had to be in their sockets.

I'm not good with speeding," said Shirley, sounding more than a little anxious. "The speed limits are there for a reason. Cars aren't meant to go fast.

I'm sorry for your loss, Mr. Thorpe. But hiring me to bust into someone's home and steal a dog…I'm guessing that breaks all sorts of laws. I could have my license revoked, I could go to jail—" "I'll triple your fee." "I take cash, checks, or major credit cards.

I don't trust you! You're not trustworthy! No knife!" Dave held the tip of the knife above the tarantula. "I'm gonna poke it! Don't move!" I froze. Dave winced and clutched at his eye with his free hand. "Ow! The eggshell is still there!

Boyd wasn't scared of clowns. Never had been. He thought their antics were delightfully amusing, just as they intended.

Is someone in my tree?" I fought panic, and through Herculean effort managed to keep my pants dry. "No," I answered. She wasn't fooled.

I won't say the pain was indescribable, since there are plenty of good descriptive words: excruciating, agonizing, unbearable, and so on.

They both had sub-machine guns. Yes, actual sub-machine guns. I couldn't believe it.

This lady had more disclaimers than an antidepressant commercial.

Hansel and Gretel had breadcrumbs, she had plastic spiders. Worst-case scenario, she could find her way back by following the trail of dead birds that had choked on them.

What's the big flaw in your plan?" -"Victims who won't shut the fuck up.

You tended to quit doing things after the bad times, and not the good times.

I realized I was ignoring my girlfriend. I couldn't remember, was it two in the pink and one in the stink? Three in the pink and two in the stink? How many went in the stink?" ~ Jeff strand

I like to think of it as, my parents live with me,

that's true, then maybe we need to accept the idea that progress isn't such a bad thing, even when there's collateral damage. You shouldn't continue to use outdated methods when a better option exists just to maintain the status quo." "Come on, John Henry, you can't really believe that!" "Do you want technological advancement to remain stagnant? This could be your chance to acquire some new skills.

I expected to see a complete horror show. But I didn't know whether it would be a "pile of severed heads in the corner" horror show, or an "intestines hanging from the ceiling like party banners" horror show, or a good old-fashioned "floors soaked with blood" horror show. It

Are you sure we can trust him?" I ask. "How do we know he's not an axe-murderer?" "I hope he is. Axe-murdering would be a useful skill.

Though I'd considered the idea of killing him a million times, once I made the decision to actually do it, I knew it had to be that night. It was sort of like that big public speaking engagement you're dreading, and you just want it to be over so you can stop worrying about it.

The chef grabs the guy's wife/girlfriend by the hair, bashes her down on the table, and slams the meat cleaver into the back of her neck. I don't think she even ordered a turkey sandwich!

For the next few minutes I reviewed my available options, and I came up with the following plan: hope that somebody showed up to rescue me. Or,

She's way more of a quote unquote hero than I am.

Tug tended fire which cook him," said Gorp. "Cruel irony.

I landed on top of him and we struggled frantically for control of the weapon. Punches were thrown. Head-butts were exchanged. Obscenities were uttered. I'd been in vicious fights before, but this was the first one to take place on top of a mutilated corpse.