Quotes from Jeff Strand

They showed up right after you got there?" I asked. "Well, no, Erik and I smoked some weed first. I guess we were there for an hour or so." "Maybe an hour and a half," said Erik. "That long?" "It was good weed.

I'd finally healed enough from the aforementioned buttock injury that sitting was no longer painful, so I was enjoying the experience as much as possible. You don't realize how many times you're required to sit in any given day until you've been stabbed in the rear. And because injuries to that particular region are inherently hilarious, nobody gives you any sympathy. It's a lose-lose situation all around.

I was sane, I would always be sane, and I was just going to have to deal with it. Sometimes life sucks. *

You should be more careful." "I'm considering that. I've heard good things about that lifestyle.

I was becoming a huge Blister fan.

I'd held my job in the mailroom of a heartless corporation run by sinister men in dark suits for over three months now, and today at lunch my boss' boss had nodded and half-smiled in my direction. My future was looking bright.

That bastard's brain waves had infiltrated my scrotum, reconnecting my vas deferens

He didn't seem like somebody you'd want to invite to a party unless you'd already given up on it.

No! Why didn't you tell me any of this before I went after her? In what universe should I come home and find out that you went behind my back and invited our goddamn son to kill a woman with me? You're supposed to be the rational one in the household! Do you have any concept of how fucked up this conversation is? Any concept at all?

There's a less than one percent chance of a vasectomy failing, but it does happen. And you know there were complications . . ." "Please don't talk about the complications.

I knew what had caused this. It was Roger's sudden desire for children. That bastard's brain waves had infiltrated my scrotum, reconnecting my vas deferens and causing me to impregnate my wife, allowing him to vicariously experience the joys of new fatherhood. I was going to kick his ass the next time I saw him.

Three hours waiting in a graveyard after dark starts to get to you. I don't know why. Maybe it's all the dead people hanging around underground. Whatever it was, by the time my watch said it was ten minutes to midnight, I had a major case of the creeps, the willies, and the heebie-jeebies. At least the flesh-eating zombies were keeping themselves hidden away. I sat there for another ten minutes and the same nothing that had been happening all night continued happening.

But being hit in the face with monkey poo is something that, deep inside, we all believe happens only to other people.

It's not the jungle. It's the rainforest." "Same thing." "No, it's not.

I fell asleep right away. It was a deep sleep, the kind I used to enjoy in study hall.

I will never stop being pissed. He has now created a 'lifetime of seeking vengeance' scenario.

That doesn't change the fact that it's really hard to walk through the jungle when you can't see." "It's not the jungle. It's the rainforest." "Same thing." "No, it's not.

Culinary incompetence could explain the first six or seven meals, but more than that had to be culinary malice.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity." — Albert Einstein "Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window." — Steve Wozniak "Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity." — Thor Heyerdahl

Bestlifeonline.com

if you're obsessively focused on trying not to make mistakes, it can take some of the soul out of your performance

I unrolled the condom completely just in case the killer had written some sort of message on it, but no, it still looked like your standard-issue prophylactic. Wow, these things were huge when you unrolled them all the way.

Tipsy isn't a miracle wonder cat. That was always the deal: you'd get your cat back, but he'd be sort of creepy. We discussed this.

When I was little, my dad used to say, "Son, guilt doesn't make a very fluffy pillow.