Quotes About Humor

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.

After five days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

Apéritif: French for a set of dentures.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

I have a body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

On his gravestone): "I told you I was ill".

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

General: Where are you from? Spike: London. General: Which part? Spike: ... Well, all of me.

Waiting for the operation, there was a gentle tap on the door. In came a strapping nurse. 'Good morning', she shrilled, whipped back the bedclothes, upped with his nightshirt, grabbed his willy, lathered furiously around it till it looked like the Eddystone Lighthouse in a storm, then shaved the whole area till it looked like an oven-ready chicken. 'Excuse me, nurse', said Looney, 'why did you knock?

Author? Author? Did you write these legs?' 'Yes." 'Well, I don't like dem. I don't like 'em at all at all. I could ha' writted better legs meself.

Come, come, come? I'm not asking for hundreds of pounds, just a little to start with. Will someone say ten shillings?' 'I can say it, Father' said Milligan, 'but I haven't got it.' 'I've got it,' thought Dr Goldstein, 'but I'm not going to say it.

A family man from Siberia As a father was very inferior But one operation Revised the situation And now he's Mother Superior

Professor Milligan will now play his tree! The composition is in A Minor, the tree is in A garden.

Busty' Roberts had joined the Royal Artillery in 1914 and since then had steadily risen to the rank of Gunner. Now the crunch: someone with a perverted sense of humour made him a Lance Bombardier. Roberts went insane with power. The war now consisted of two people, him and Hitler.

Some people live a nothing life: the most important thing they ever do is die. Thank God for eccentrics! Take Gunner Octavian Neat. He would suddenly appear naked in a barrack room and say, "Does anybody know a good tailor?", or "Gentlemen – I think there's a thief in the battery." He was the bane of the Regiment.

How long was I in the Army? Five foot eleven.

Author, author, did you write these legs?( The Milligan- Puckoon

Roberts had joined the Royal Artillery in 1914 and since then had steadily risen to the rank of Gunner. Now the crunch: someone with a perverted sense of humour made him a Lance Bombardier. Roberts went insane with power. The war now consisted of two people, him and Hitler.

My sister Laura's bigger than me And lifts me up quite easily. I can't lift her, I've tried and tried; She must have something heavy inside.

Keep talking Milligan. I think I can get you out on Mental Grounds.' 'That's how I got in, sir.' 'Didn't we all.

Be careful of strong drink my sons," he warned. "Bear in mind it excites the sexual appetites, therefore if you see a comrade drunk, bring him home and bathe the parts in cold water." It was great to know how to be a Christian, all you needed was an erection and a bucket of cold water.

An intellectual is a man who doesn't know how to park a bike.