Quotes About Humor

and I still have to quell an impulse to go up to strangers in pubs and restaurants and say, "Excuse me, can I give you a tip that'll help stop those peas bouncing all over the table?" Germans are flummoxed by humor, the Swiss have no concept of fun

Thank you," I said and then abruptly leaned across the counter and with two forked fingers poked him sharply in the eyes. Actually, I didn't do that. I just imagined it. But imagining it made me feel better. I

It occurred to me, not for the first time, that if Britain is ever to sort itself out, it is going to require a lot of euthanasia.

It would be just my luck, of course, to be savaged by an animal with a flea collar and a medical history. I imagined lying on my back, being extravagantly ravaged, inclining my head slightly to read a dangling silver tag that said: "My name is Mr. Bojangles. If found please call Tanya and Vinny at 924-4667.

Perhaps for our last words on the subject of usage we should turn to the last words of the venerable French grammarian Dominique Bonhours, who proved on his deathbed that a grammarian's work is never done when he turned to those gathered loyally around him and whispered: "I am about to—or I am going to—die; either expression is used.

Then, having nothing better to do, I leafed through the index and amused myself, in a very low-key way, by looking for ridiculous names, of which Australia has a respectable plenitude. I am thus able to report that the following are all real places: Wee Waa, Poowong, Burrumbuttock, Suggan Buggan, Boomahnoomoonah, Waaia, Mullumbimby, Ewlyamartup, Jiggalong, and the supremely satisfying Tittybong.

I quite like Torquay and might one day come back, but I can tell you this now: where watch batteries are concerned, they can go fuck themselves.

I love the way the Italians park. You turn any street corner in Rome and it looks as if you've just missed a parking competition for blind people.

Queen Elizabeth, in a much-cited quote, faithfully bathed once a month "whether she needs it or no.

Sadly, although the source of much enjoyment, Ginger the pig progressed from hunting and killing chickens to lambs and, after a stab at my mother's ankles, was banished to the freezer before she developed a taste for small children.

Beulah has a husband?" "I know. It's a miracle. There can't be more than two people on the planet who'd be willing to sleep with her and here we are both in the same town.

head over heels is not just a cliché; it is also, when you think about it, a faintly absurd one. Our heads are usually over our heels.

if we wished to find a modern-day model for British and American speech of the late eighteenth century, we could probably do no better than Yosemite Sam.

I only have one wrinkle and I'm sitting on it.

wondering how many tens of thousands of days have passed since BBC One last showed a program that anyone not on medication would want to watch.

the favourite activity is drinking a lot of beer and the second is throwing it up again)

with all the spirit and playfulness of an abattoir

He had a curiously stunted sense of humor and loved practical jokes that veered dangerously close to cruelty. Once on a hot day he filled a friend's water jug with kerosene and mirthfully stood by as the friend took a mighty swig. The friend ended up in the hospital.

cuticles), Vick's Vapo Rub, Geritol, Serutan ('Natures spelled

We were looking for the real outback where the men are men and the sheep are nervous.

We're sending ye tae Wapping, ye soft English nancies, and if ye wairk very, very hard and if ye doonae git on ma tits, then mebbe I'll not cut off yer knackers and put them in ma Christmas pudding. D'ye have any problems with tha'?

dried cow pies—known euphemistically and rather charmingly as "surface coal.

I would sooner have bowel surgery in the woods with a stick.

To make matters worse, somebody in our group was making the most dreadful silent farts. Fortunately, it was me, so I wasn't nearly as bothered as the others.