Quotes About Humor

New Rule: Colin Firth has to admit that he's not a human being but a robot designed by women as the perfect man. He's handsome, charming, witty, he's got that accent and a gay best friend...the only way he could be any better is if he ejaculated Häagen-Dazs.

We're all gonna be gay if we get health care!

New Rule: If you're one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog's not listening, either; he's waiting for food to fall out of your mouth.

New Rule: Stop calling bagpipes a musical instrument. They're actually a Scottish Breathalyzer test. You blow into one end, and if the sound that comes out the other end doesn't make you want to kill yourself--you're not drunk enough.

I don't ridicule religion, it ridicules itself.

New Rule: Any tattoo that has more than one line is too long.

New Rule: You don't need a paper shredder. I've seen your mail--it's not that interesting. What are you worried about, that the magazine from the auto club might fall into the wrong hands? I hate to break it to you 007, but the Victoria's Secret catalog isn't actually a secret.

New Rule: A dog is the only animal that can get you laid. No offense, parrot guy, but it's not gonna happen. When women see you, they're not thinking, I bet that guy is interesting, they're thinking, That bird better not shit on my dress.

That's not water. That's socialism juice. We should bomb Lake Erie.

New Rule: Bring back a little pubic hair. Not a lot, I'm not talking about reviving that 1973 look that said I'm liberated and I'm smuggling a hedgehog.I just want a friendly, fuzzy calling card that's a middle ground between toddler smooth and Dr. Livingston, I presume? It's supposed to have some hair on it. It's a pussy, not Dr. Evil's cat. Call me old school, but there's a name for a guy who needs it hair-free: He's called a pedophile.

If somebody asks if you tweeted your penis and your answer is anything other than No, you tweeted your penis.

New Rule: Apple's next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing and pushing at things already seems too complicated and tiring. We're Americans--and until you free our hands from the computer entirely, we can never attain our ultimate goal: Web surfing while eating and masturbating.

Irony--it's funny until it happens to you.

definition of sarcasm is "a cutting, often ironic remark intended to wound

Calvin: Dad where do babies come from? Dad: Well Calvin, you simply go to Sears, buy the kit and follow the assembly instructions. Calvin: I came from Sears? Dad: No you were a blue-light special at K-Mart - almost as good and a lot cheaper!

I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.

Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin. Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Hobbes: Do you think there's a God? Calvin: Well, somebody's out to get me!

What fun is it being cool if you can't wear a sombrero?

Calvin: Why are you crying mom? Mom: I'm cutting up an onion. Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.

Well, remember what you said, because in a day or two, I'll have a witty and blistering retort! You'll be devastated THEN

Hold it. You know what I'd like to see? I'd like to see the three bears eat the three little pigs, and then the bears join up with the big bad wolf and eat Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood! Tell me a story like that, OK?

I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!

I thought my life would seem more interesting with a musical score and a laugh track.