Quotes About Humor

If con is the opposite of pro, and progress is good, what is Congress?

Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work.

Old gardeners never die, they just run out of thyme.

I'd probably put those salt and pepper shakers away now, David, because we're about to be visited by dribbling cannibal psychopath and we wouldn't want to tease these fellows. Of course, if they're very hungry, I do have this left arm that I don't use all that much.

It's funny - I read that women look to chiseled-faced guys for one-night stands, and to round-faced guys for marriage. When I'm rounder in the face, I like to say, 'This is my long-term look.' Or 'This is my wife-and-kids look right here.'

God writes comedy but sometimes has a slow audience.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.

God writes a lot of comedy the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

To choose Norm Coleman over Walter Mondale is like going to a great steakhouse and ordering the tuna sandwich.

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

That's the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

We've all done this, because we're so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go "Mooo!" Like we expect the cow to think, "Hey, there's another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?"

My friend has a sixteen-month-old. The baby's crawling around, and he has an accident in his diaper. And the mother comes over and says, "Isn't that adorable? Brandon made a gift for Daddy." I'm thinking this guy must be real easy to shop for on Father's Day.

They say you can compare a man's shoe size to his manhood. So that's why I keep my skis on everywhere I go.

I met a new girl at a barbecue. A very pretty blonde girl, I think. I don't know for sure. Her hair was on fire. And all she talked about was herself. "I'm on fire!" You know the type. "Jesus Christ, help me! Put me out!" Come on, can we talk about me a little bit?

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

Humor can inform and break down stigma, which is a huge issue in the military.

Well, it's a humor strip, so my first responsibility has always been to entertain the reader... But if, in addition, I can help move readers to thought and judgment about issues that concern me, so much the better.

She looked Spencer over, tip to toe, as though she were considering buying him. Then she smiled her friendliest smile and said, "You're rather short, aren't you?" "Don't worry honey," said Mankiewicz, trying desperately to extinguish Spencer's glare. "He'll cut you down to size.

If she were a president, she'd be Baberham Lincoln.

It's funny how a chubby kid can just be having fun, and people call it entertainment!