Quotes About Humor

After being dry for a couple a weeks, three cocktails went down quicker than a boner in a busted rubber.

If God had wanted us to play football in the clouds, he'd have put grass up there.

Tommy Cooper finds a painting and a violin in the attic; takes them to an expert who says, 'You've got a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made awful violins.

Ringo's hair is an occupational hazard.

Someone's praying for my soul again." "Well, you and me need all the help we can get," Virgil replied. "I figure I'm on the smite list if God gets bored.

His friend smiled. "You know what they say about psychiatrists, Frost. They only go into the business to find someone crazier than they are.

They could rename this town shithole and be accused of putting on airs.

I recalled the old saw about why reporters always whistle when they are on the toilet; it's the only way they can remember which end to wipe.

enter." "This is a joke, right?

I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around!

One viewer - a Mr. Dionne from California... fired off an angry, rambling letter, complaining haughtily that "the most disciplined attention I could give [The Cube] was a belch from the grave of Marcus Aurelius, occasioned, I might add, by the dead weight of its own dust caving in on itself." Two weeks later came Jim's one-sentence response: Dear Mr. Dionne: What the fuck are you talking about? Yours truly, JIM HENSON

If The Muppet Show had a basketball team, the score would always be Frog 99, Chaos 98." (Jerry Juhl on the crazy workload of The Muppet Show)

When done right, it's possible to be silly and subversive at the same time.

Forgive me if I don't take relationship advice from a dead teenager missing her vagina.

Some guy broke into our house last week. He didn't even take the TV. He just took the remote control. Now he drives by and changes channels on us.

We gave our kids old-fashioned names. Our little boy is Hunter, and our little girl is Gatherer.

My wife is about to have our second child, and we're very happy because we were told we couldn't have kids. By our landlord.

I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.

How to see a vampire in three easy steps: 1. Get up. 2. Find a mirror. 3. Look at your first vampire.

Please don't be dead. Because then I'd have to be the Sorcerer Supreme and there's no way I could rock the 'stache.

I swear to God, I wish I was cute and dumb. Just for a day.

When a kid says "smell my hand," it almost never smells like cinnamon.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Comedy is so hard to do, so it was very cool to do dead pan humor.