Quotes About Humor

I think you have to be careful about not hurting someone. The last thing I'd want to do is make a fool of someone, unless they saw the humor in it.

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

I dated around some, but I've always been a serial monogamist. I don't know how people date around a lot, and not want to stab themselves in the face with a sharp object.

I think all the funny people were bullied. When they talk about outlawing bullying, it's like, what? You want no Comedy Central?

One thing I've learned about the Marvel universe is that it's a little bit like God... if you want to make him laugh, just make a plan.

Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site for the 50 children of Ramses II...Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?

Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there's more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there's also a few napkins and crazy bread.

Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.

Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoir has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern.

If you ever go bar hopping, who do you want to take with you? You want a slightly uglier version of yourself. Similar ... but slightly uglier.

If a hippo ever wants to fight, just walk away.

While many comics have a secret persona, I fundamentally want to be myself.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.

We really should get some X-rays," the EMT said. "You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts," I said to the EMT.

My son, Rob....said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."

There's a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There's also a gravy shortage. It's up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline.

I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.

Talking about my personal life onstage, I've realized I'm not one of those comics who can do that. I can allude to it but I don't want to be a confessional performer.

My feet are completely flat, but for most of my life they were still shaped like feet. Now, thanks to bunions, they're shaped more like states, wide boring ones that nobody wants to drive through.

Sometimes people say, do you want a drink? And I say, oh, I'd like to, but I'm a tragic alcoholic. I always say tragic. I'm a tragic alcoholic.

When I'm interviewed on Leno, just be funny, period. That's all they want from me. I don't want to tell my life story.

I love comedy; so you want to make them happy, make them laugh.