Quotes About Humor

When I was little my grandfather one Christmas gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of Band-Aids, and said, "You two share."

I was arrested for selling illegal-size paper.

I was born by Cesarean section, but you can't really tell. Except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

I was in Little League. I was on first base: I stole third. I ran straight across the diamond. Earlier in the week, I learned the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. I argued with the ump that second base was out of my way.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I've been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.

One day when I was little, and my parents were having a party, I went around to all the adults and said, "Drink this, it'll make you taller, it's magic." And they all drank it and said, "How cute. How weird." And then I snuck off into the room where they kept all the coats and hemmed everyone's sleeves an inch shorter.

My friend would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

I stayed up one night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I put instant coffee into the microwave. I almost went back in time.

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed fun-house rearview mirrors.

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only two inches taller.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I know when I'm going to die. My birth certificate has an expiration date on it.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast anytime." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

When I die, I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I went to a cafe that advertised breakfast anytime, so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.