Quotes About Humor

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.

Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?