Quotes About Humor

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I didn't have that much time.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country.

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...