Quotes About Humor

is it good if a vacume really sucks?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

You can't have everything... where would you put it? Steven Wright

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark

Everyone who believes in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I donated my body to science...fiction.

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

When i have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

I just found out I have an IQ of 208, and I don't know what that means.

I'm donating my body to science...fiction.

I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate, "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!

I plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.

This Englishwoman is so refined She has no bosom and no behind.

They should." "Should be like a wood bee," she said. It was a private joke, a mocking appreciation of the slipperiness of even the simplest hope, a nonce catchphrase like so many others lifted from favorite movies or TV shows that served as a rote substitute for conversation and bound them like shut-in twins, each other's best and, most often, only audience.

I shall never forget how he paused and turned, looked back over his shoulder at me. His eyes, his face were full of secrets and humor. I felt as if the arrow of the sun had pierced my heart. His beauty seemed doomed, somehow.

I listened to them being bravely humorous, overtaken by a sense of distance from them, sheer unreality.