Quotes About Humor

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

i busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I just lost a buttonhole.

I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?