Quotes About Humor

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

I'm so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for.

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's'?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

How young can you die of old age?

How can there be self-help groups?

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?