Quotes About Humor

Women are from Mars, men have a penis

Two things are not debatable: eroticism, and comedy. If you don't think it's sexy, or funny, there's no way I can change your mind.

What did you expect? Welcome, sonny? Make yourself at home? Marry my daughter? You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know . . . morons

If the physical thing you're doing is funny, you don't have to act funny while doing it...Just be real and it will be funnier

if the thing you're doing is really funny, you don't need to "act funny" while doing it.

Then I could not help wondering what the watching gods thought of us, with our clever masks and our jokes. What we think of crickets, perhaps, whose singing we hear with pleasure, though some of us smash them with our heels when they venture into sight.

I hope you haven't packed those ratty flannel pajamas of yours," she said. "You probably won't need anything to sleep in, anyhow." Elle stood up, picked up a pad of Post-it notes from the desk, and threw it. "He's broken all to bits. Give it up. He's an invalid! " Carlie laughed as the note pad bounced off the door frame. "He's a cowboy, honey. Nothin' ever keeps them down for long.

When asked why he carry's a knife, General Mattis said, In case I run into a piece of cake, or, a throat to slit

Johnson! Have I committed any illegal actions?' Johnson checked his watch. 'Not within the last three minutes, sir.

So far, I have been assaulted, attacked by cyborg alligators, almost drowned in the Thames, had most of the skin stripped off my hand, been poisoned with curare, revived with strychnine, and chased by both werewolves and giant robots. Are you accusing me of not taking this seriously, sir?

My life isn't all running around and screaming, you know.

They darn socks too?" "Yes, as a matter of fact. Do a better job than your mom too. Though don't you dare tell her I said that." "Murderers outsew my mother?" "Apparently so." My dad laughs.

Now I'm five foot eleven and a half inches—as tall as my mom and a good two inches taller than my dad. My father tells people I've grown so much, he's going to put my supper into pickle jars and sell it under the name Incredible Growth Formula.

Okay, that's it. I'm sleeping with my clothes on. Who wants to face a convicted felon in your pajamas?

Not many kids can say that when their toilet is stopped up, they get Seven Fingers, the ax murderer, to help them out, either.

First, I was like, "I know it! It's dun-dun-DA-dun, dun, DA-DUN, dun DA-DUN." WYATT The rest of us were like, "Reese, dude: that's the Darth Vader song." But that got the Darth Vader song stuck in everybody's head. So whenever somebody tried to sing Beethoven's Fifth, it came out sounding like Darth Vader.

He also has awesome hair.

So squeeze together a love of motorcycles, a little edginess and risk taking, a craving for the freedom of the open road, a touch of the loner, a rough sense of humor, some physical and mental toughness along with some multi-faceted motorcycle pride and you have a biker. The more time that biker spends with his machine on the road, the deeper that biker chord runs.

What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family

"Tehee!" quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.

My wit is thynne.

The trouble with my wife is that she is a whore in the kitchen and a cook in the bed.