Quotes About Humor

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65 I still had pimples.

It's nice to be here. When you're 99 years old, it's nice to be anywhere.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

At my age flowers scare me.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Julian and Jake sitting in a tree K I S S I N G, first comes love then comes sex then comes baby smoking!

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

I can remember when the air was clean and the sex was dirty." -George Burns

There isn't a thing I can't do now that I didn't do when I was twenty-one...which gives you an idea of how pathetic I was when I was twenty-one. (That's a lie, but I might as well tell you something right here at the beginning of the book. Anytime I can get a laugh I'm not going to let the truth interfere with it.)

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.