Quotes About Humor

Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.

Say Goodnight Gracie.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

There is now a Starbucks in my pants.

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

You rarely meet a wino with perfect pitch.

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If black boxes survive air crashes, why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

I'm always relieved when someone delivers a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.