Quotes About Humor

If you're hanging around with nothing to do and the zoo is closed, come over to the Senate. You'll get the same kind of feeling and you won't have to pay.

Satire is what closes Saturday night.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer, or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.

I am 65 and I guess that puts me in with the geriatrics. But if there were 15 months in every year, I'd only be 48. That's the trouble with us. We number everything. Take women, for example, I think they deserve to have more than 12 years between the ages of 28 and 40.

I refuse to admit that I am more than 52, even if that makes my sons illegitimate.

Zsa Zsa Gabor, when asked which of the Gabor women was the oldest, said "She'll never admit it, but I believe it is Mama." When men grow virtuous in their old age, they only make a sacrifice to God of the devil's leavings.

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, "Be fruitful, and multiply." But not in those words.

I am an atheist, thank God!

Actually, being sixty-five isn't so bad. As a matter of fact I rather like being called a sexagenarian. At this time of life it sounds like flattery.

When Julia Child was asked to what she credited her longevity, she replied, "Red meat and gin."

I refuse to admit I'm more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate.

Remember when we used to laugh at old people when we were young? Do you recall what was so funny?

You know you are getting older when "happy hour" is a nap.

I wouldn't say someone is old just because his social security is in Roman numerals or because Mozart played at his senior prom.

If you think a lot of the comments made tonight are not funny, but are immature and tasteless, that's only because the sense of humor is the first thing to go.

I was going to take you out to lunch for your birthday . . . but you already are.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

There was a small boy of Quebec Who was buried in snow to the neck: When they said 'Are you friz?' He replied 'Yes, I is - But we don't call this cold in Quebec!'

Actually, when it comes to knocking the Canadian cultural scene, nobody outdoes Canadians, myself included. We are veritable masters of self-deprecation.

A Torontonian is a man who leaves culture to his wife.

I'm not the heroic type, really. I was beaten up by Quakers.

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.

They say love is blind . . . and marriage is an insritution. Well, I'm nor ready for an instirurion for rhe blind just yet.