Quotes About Humor

Death snickers at us all, my dear. The eternal footman will not hold my coat forever.

expected him to look like a cross between Colonel Sanders and Foghorn Leghorn.

And then she had suggested that instead of going to the barber, they go into the bedroom and do something so filthy that Will had experienced a few seconds of hysterical blindness.

I promised my daughter I would introduce her to Detective Pikachu if she let me pee in privacy.

You hear about the two hats hanging on a peg by the door?" She laughed. "No. What about them?" "One says to the other, 'You stay here. I'll go on a head.' 

He grinned. "It's cheaper than that

You think I'm joking? she asked. I'm three weeks late. Finally, he came up with Stress can do that, right? So can sperm.

Which was a damn good thing, because if another human being treated you the way a toddler did—threw food in your face, questioned your every move, unraveled all of the aluminum foil off the roll, yelled at the silverware, made you clean shit off their ass, peed in your bed, peed in your car, peed on you while you were cleaning up their pee, demanded that you repeat everything at least sixteen times and then screeched at you for talking too much—then you would probably kill them.

Lydia supposed his headstone had been ordered. Something large and garish made of the finest marble and phallic shaped because being dead didn't stop you from being a dick.

She asked, "Was that really your dinner—two hot dogs and a Krispy Kreme doughnut?" "Four doughnuts." "What does your cholesterol look like?" "I guess it's white like what they show in the commercials.

A standard feature of situation comedy has some form of the main character talking trash to someone about a husband, wife, girl friend, boy friend, boss, or acquaintance, only to see the listener's expression change in a telling way. She's/He's standing right behind me, right? is often the pained question of the speaker. (Loud canned laughter follows.)

Un niño escribió: El cuerpo humano está formado por el cerébreo, el bórax y la cavidad abominable. El cerébreo contiene el cerebro. El bórax contiene los pulmones, el hígado y otros seres vivos. La cavidad abominable contiene los intestinos, que son dos: el gordo y el flaco.1 Es

Think pink but don't wear it

Qué en qué consiste el comunismo?, pues en que me la comas ahora mismo. Te falta fábrica Karl Marx - 1873

Kids are like farts in that way. They never seem to bother the owner as much as they bother everyone else.

I've always wanted to kick a duck up the ass.

We seem to live in a world where you have to walk around grinning like a loon. I can't understand all the fuss about Mona Lisa painting, everyone wondering why she's not smiling, if she's depressed or heartbroken. No, she was just normal! Emotions are always extreme these days: you either have to be crying with laughter or crying in pain. No wonder water levels are rising. It's not global warming, it's all the tears from crying.

Honestly, all the trouble Noah went to saving the animals two by two and now we're making handbags out of them. I

Just tick a few boxes, agree to the terms and conditions and wait for the automated reply that says it's all gone through and we're now husband and wife. Why has that not been set up?

I bought an Apple iPad and it was out of date sooner than a real apple would have been. We

Maybe this is how Michael Jackson came up with his moonwalk. Maybe he was acting out a time when he stepped in dogshit and tried to get it off his shoes.

had a wee in the Amazon. Until Richard told me I should be careful because there are some tiny fish that can swim up from the water through my urine and into my knob! Is that how amazing the Amazon is? The fish in there would really rather live in my knob than the river.

I never believed me mam when she finished a story with 'And they all lived happily ever after'. 'No, they didn't. I don't believe it,' I'd say. I prefered Humpty Dumpty – nice and short, and a realistic ending. He never hurt anyone, but he had a little accident and died. Shit happens. That's life, innit.

I've always wanted to kick a duck up the arse.