Quotes About Humor

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

Was the Buddha married? His wife would say, "Are you just going to sit around like that all day?"

I date this girl for two years-and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name...'

If you think marriage is going to be perfect, you're probably still at your reception.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake thinking about something you said; after marriage , he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it.

The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.

In our house we don't take ourselves too seriously, and laughter is the best form of unity, I think, in a marriage.

Most wives think of their husbands as bumbling braggarts with whom they happen to be in love.

The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Alexia figured, delightedly, that this meant he did, in fact, tend to traipse around his private apartments in the altogether. Marriage was becoming more and more of an attractive prospect.

My parents only had one argument in 45 years. It lasted 43 years.

A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple.