Quotes About Humor

I lied on my Weight Watchers list. I put down that I had 3 eggs… but they were Cadbury chocolate eggs.

I bought a decaffeinated coffee table — you can't even see a difference.

C:COFFEE.POT missing (A)bort (R)etry (S)leep?

Do I like my coffee black? There are other colors?

I'd stop drinking coffee, but I'm no quitter.

Cold winter weather is snow laughing matter.

I have a degree in liberal arts. Do you want fries with that?

We have been led to think that to drink is manly, and to get in a condition where common sense has fled and the tongue is tangled is funny...

Don't anthropomorphize computers — they hate it.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

My computer kept beating the pants off me at chess, until I discovered that it was no match against me at kickboxing.

What do you call a doctor that fixes websites? A URLologist.

What do you call a doctor that fixes websites? WebMD.

If Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashes… oh, wait a minute, he already does.

Why did the programmer cross the road? To get coffee — why else would one be outside?

When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad.

Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?

When a cow laughs, does milk come out her nose?

CUSTARD, n. A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook.

Why can't we move the clocks ahead to Friday afternoon around 4:00?

A guide to turning your clocks back in November: * Smartphone: Leave it alone to do its magic * Sundial: Move one house to the left * Oven: You'll need a Masters in Electronic Engineering, or a hammer * Car radio: Not worth it, wait six months

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not!

I thought "clean eating" was devouring cupcakes while mopping the floor.

The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humor.