Quotes About Humor

I'm not overweight, I'm undertall.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape — isn't it?

I'm doing my part to stay healthy by eating more hole foods.

I'm into fitness — fitness donut into my mouth.

Full many a man, both young and old, Is brought to his sarcophagus, By pouring water, icy cold, Adown his warm æsophagus.

I'm into fitness — fitness cupcake into my mouth.

I'm into fitness — fitness entire slice of pizza in my mouth.

Exercise?! I thought you said "extra slice."

While I was out running this morning I heard someone clapping, but it was just my thighs cheering me on.

Life isn't a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're probably just drunk.

Fart when someone hugs you — it makes them feel strong.

If you accidentally fart loudly in public, just yell "Jet power!" and start walking a lot faster.

Love is not having to hold your farts in anymore.

I think I would know Nora's fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women.

Put cream and sugar on a fly, and it tastes very much like a black raspberry.

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

Angels can fly because they can take themselves lightly.

Comic Sans — ruining PowerPoint presentations since 1994.

Old card players never die, they just shuffle away.

Video games ruined my life. (Good thing I have two more.)

Screw up the vise as tightly as possible — you have rheumatism; give it another turn, and that is gout.

I went to the doctor complaining of pain in my foot. He told me, "Gout." I said, "But I've only just walked in!"

You find out who your real friends are when your autocorrect mixes up your and you're.

Man 1: Where are you from? Man 2: From a place where we do not end sentences with prepositions. Man 1: Okay, where are you from, jackass?