Quotes About Humor

I like people who don't take life too seriously but who do take very seriously the gratitude for being alive.

Kale smoothies taste so much better when they're brownies.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library?

Gray hair is a blessing — ask any bald man.

I don't always do yoga — but when I do, it's because I'm trying to reach a new roll of toilet paper while sitting on the toilet.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

If time and space are curved, where do all of the straight people come from?

...bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Then there's the one about the fellow who complained of the excessive heat the other day, when the thermometer read 90. "It isn't hot, brother," comforted a war correspondent just back from Ethiopia, "until the chair gets up when you do!"

Satan called. He wants his weather back.

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

...there was no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.

Laundry: Washing — 30 minutes Drying — 60 minutes Putting away — 7 to 10 business days

I dusted once. It came back. I'm not falling for that again.

Please don't feed the dust bunnies.

I'm sexy and I mow it.

A clean house is the sign of a boring person.

This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.

Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say, "I know it's hard. You're going to be okay. Here's a coffee and 5 million dollars."

Such is the human race. Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

I could neither laugh with nor at the solemn utterances of men I esteemed ponderous asses; nor could I laugh, nor engage in my old-time lightsome persiflage, with the silly superficial chatterings of women, who, underneath all their silliness and softness, were as primitive, direct, and deadly in their pursuit of biological destiny as the monkeys women were before they shed their furry coats and replaced them with the furs of other animals.

God is bad, truth is a cheat, and life is a joke.

He looked exactly the same when he was alive, only he was vertical.

Two hours of loose philosophizing will never tilt the scale against the worth of one sound belch.